One Day

I find myself disassembled, one too sunny afternoon

after trying so hard to remember my name and the body beside me

I let my hips open the door, didn’t I?

with my left hand holding the apple I peeled for him, slicing the skin carefully so it comes in one piece 

and my right hand holding the metal cup filled with his hot coffee

fingertips burned, wrist cramped, but I pretended I’m fine with it

or would I prefer a fig instead of an apple? cut in half, imprecise, juices sticking on my fingers

dead bugs inside the red flesh, fully digested

or did I mistake it with my own heart? torn apart while it’s ripe

as I watch him consume me bite by bite, leaving me unwhole 

as he did with every part of me that could grow

his snores louder than the shrieks of my skin, repulsed

my hair raised like spikes, every fabric clinging on it

I start to count - one lung on the table, two breasts still on their cage, three braids of my hair on the floor

my thighs covering mumbles of why why why why why again

I find a piece of my skin stuck on the stone I used the other night, getting rid of another he

why why why why why again

my mirror is still showing last day’s me

as I bleed with every stroke the stone makes against my skin

reading my name out loud and a prayer

and I want to listen to gwendolyn, really 

when she told me to wait until April

but how sad it is, to read a happy poem when I’m crying?

(don’t die yet

my dear love, my sweet life, 

for your whole life is yet to begin

      your future selves awaiting

under the mothering moon

in the garden of beautiful hyacinths 

                      and bright daffodils 

                      and sweet figs

                      and

                      and

                      and )

and I will let my hips hold the door again (one day)

with my left hand holding the orange I pick for her, peeling the rind and pith carefully so they come in one piece

and my right hand holding the ceramic cup I made for her, filled with her warm coffee

warm like her, warm like her smell, warm like 

the day I finally know my name as how she says it

herself whole, myself whole

with my heart on her palm, whispering that prayer (and, and, and, and, and)

(13 February 2025)